Michael Phelps Is Halfway There!

The American swimmer Michael Phelps was halfway to his goal of 8 gold medals in this year's Olympics contest when I finished writing this this morning (Tokyo time), but now we all know he has five. I know a shitty little 90 second "song" by me isn't going to encourage him or anything, but I've never been this excited about an Olympic event or athlete before, and it just kinda made itself. Good luck Michael, or as they say in Japan, GAN-BAH-REH! (do your best!)

Here's an article that predicts and tracks Phelps's progress:


These are the lyrics:

his goal is eight golds in the eighth month of '08
from the ninth there's nine days to anticipate
history in the making no mistaking
ambition for actually having what it takes
to break a record a day and make competitors say
"there's no way to compete against the great
Mister Phelps from Baltimore who did this all before
in Beijing making people wanna sing

when the whole world's watching
you do something no one's done before
heavy are your shoulders
but if your training and discipline are sufficient
there's no difference between you and gold

it's almost sick seeing how quick this kid really is
not by a bit, yo he makes the pool his
in the first event the 400 IM
there was no swimmer that could pass by him
in the 4x100 free relay
france got cocky but we beat em by .08
that was the hardest event, according to the press
enough of Clark Kent, time to write S on our chest

when the whole world's watching
you do something no one's done before
heavy are your shoulders
but if your training and discipline are sufficient
there's no difference between you and gold

in the 200 free there was just no contest
phelps beat everyone else and then his own best
i feel sorry for the others in the 200 fly
'cause you can't swim so fast while you cry
i reckon they were beggin' to just place in second
while phelps is wrackin' up a combo like it was tekken
swim like a butterfly float like a boat
that's his technique and that's all she wrote

when the whole world's watching
you do something no one's done before
heavy are your shoulders
but if your training and discipline are sufficient
there's no difference between you and gold

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


Ninja Escapes in New Jersey

A ninja was spotted in the woods behind a school in New Jersey, causing the school to shut down for a period of 30 minutes. Fears were abated when the ninja concealed his identity by posing as a camp counselor on his way to a costume party. A likely story, considering he was probably a real ninja.

The original article can be found here:


These are the lyrics:

a little birdy told me some worthy news that's not wordy
but surely you'll hurry from New Jersey
now cause an amount of insurmountable power
locked down a primary school for a half an hour
'cause a member of an ancient organization
with assassination as their vocation
was keenly seen sneakin' between trees in the forest
police, puhleez, they shoulda called Chuck Norris
he wouldn't falter at the art of deception
but the ninja fooled the cops by saying he was just dressin'
up for a costume party at school
it's not Halloween yet, more like April Fool's
and with his ninja magic he turned his sword to plastic
and managed to escape with these tactics
better be on the lookout the next time you in
New Jersey cause you might have a shuriken
coming at your face or darts poison laced
and every scrap of evidence neatly erased
'cause a ninja and death are like Spain and Spanish
and as soon as you think you see em they've already vanished

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


HearWho Converts Text to MP3 Speech (or does it?)

There was an article about a seemingly cool text-to-speech converter called HearWho, except the HearWho website (hearwho.com) is down, so it's impossible to try.
I was referred to three other text-to-speech websites from related articles, and the ones I found were:

vozMe (vozme.com)
SpokenText (spokentext.net)
YAKIToMe (yakitome.com)

The easiest one to use by far was vozMe, so I can only recommend that one at this point.

The original article can be found here:


These are the lyrics:

hear what? hear this. hear who? hear me
with text that i converted to mp3
i just heard about a service but it's broken so it's worthless
but i'll tell you anyway cause it might be working someday
it's called HearWho but i chose vozMe
why? because registration bothers me
that's what you get if you try another option
like what YAKIToMe or SpokenText's offerin'
not to mention SpokenText adds an ad
and i won't even try YAKIToMe cause enough i had
it's a shame that HearWho won't let me hear shit
i've been trying for more than a minute, i quit

but i'm not gonna sit here nit picking all day
it's time to have fun with text and play say
ridiculous things like "chicken wings"
and "livin' la vida loca" and "she bangs"
and whatever i hear with these ears appears
to be weird i need a beer to calm my fear
maybe what i gotta do is finish this track
and say "see ya later alligator" and "i'll be back"

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


Waboba Ball Bounces on Water

There's a fairly new invention called the Waboba Ball, and it looks awesome.

The original article can be found here:


And these are the lyrics:

i don't know what they eatin' over there in Sweden
but my props is what this Swedish dude's receiving
don't know how to say it but his name's von Heland
and his invention totally rocks like Van Halen

the era of the beach ball is probably over
cuz there's a brand new ball in the park: Waboba
boom that's the name i ain't even ashamed
to say it's pretty damn hot and i want it today
so what's it do? it feels good when you squeeze it
and bounces on top of the water like Jesus
that's what's you'll be saying the first time you see it
and the first time a joker decides to freeze it

"but wait! Jesus didn't bounce! he was a walker"
"if he had this ball, he'd be playing water soccer"
not to mention it could change games like polo
pairing em up like chewie and han solo
does it really work? i ain't tried it out
but i want one so bad ima scream and shout
it's already a hit in the land down under
why do you think? Santa comes in the summer
next is the UK, orders coming everyday
and i know the States'll be down to play

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


Laptops Can Now Be Seized at Airports

Did you know your data is at risk of being seized by Homeland Security if the US is part of your international travel plans?

The original article can be found here:


And these are the lyrics:

if you plan on traveling the global map
you might watch your back but i would watch your lap
cause according to a Homeland Security plan
the customs man might snatch your laptop outta your hand
whether you're on vacation or a crook
they can now take a look at what's in your macbook
if you don't change you can still be a fighter
but those afraid of losing data can pack lighter

you can still control your folders from overseas
with a so-coded remote client VNC
what it does is connect to your home server
and if you don't know you can be a quick learner
works for all systems windows, linux, and mac
so it gives you one less thing to pack
just make sure you take your flash drive with you
cause you love your files and we all know they miss you

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


Unwarranted Self-Esteem Is Sexy (yes, really)

In stark contrast to the article I read (see below), I found that self-appreciation is what women really love.

The article I disagree with can be found here:


And these are the lyrics:

so i crashed and burned by hatin' on myself
that's why this time the charm is gonna be dealt
instead of puttin' myself down i'm playin' myself up
and make my next date think i'm the hot stuff
i showed up five minutes early to this next date
and when she came on time i said "ain't i great?"
she said "i guess so" i said "you don't need to guess"
she asked "why?" i said "because i am the best"
she just kinda shook her head and looked away
i thought "she's stunned and doesn't know what to say"
forewent the dinner and drinks i knew what she wanted
it was to see my crib so that's what i flaunted
she asked "when was the last time you cleaned up?"
i said "i know it looks like yesterday but last month
anyway let's marvel at my array of ripped anime,
then we'll eat my shit, it tastes like Fannie May
she said "haha funny" i said "i know i am, honey
i bought a joke book last week with my mom's money"

"but besides that let's get acquainted with my phatness"
she said "it's astounding! did you take classes?"
i said "no, it's just natural, don't ask why"
she said "i couldn't be that fat if i tried!"
i was flattered but i had to play it cool
it was plain to see i was makin' this girl drool
she said "i'm glad i got to meet a real winner
but i'm starving, why don't we just go out to dinner?"
she's tellin' me i win, asking me to din din
is it just me or am i too masculine?
so i said "yes, in fact i knew you'd ask
it must be hard to resist when in my glory you bask"
she sighed "good lord" and i said "yes, what do you need?"
she asked "just where do you get this self-esteem?"
i said "it might be how i stand out in a crowd"
she agreed, motioned to my face, and laughed out loud
"...or it might be how i give the ladies chills"
she giggled and covered her mouth and said "for real"
"...or how many girls scream when they first see me"
she said "i know i almost did, believe me"
"...or it might be my peak physical physique"
she spit her soda out her nose. man this girl is a freak
she clutched her face with her hands and yelled "it burns!"
i said "that's love baby! court is adjourned!"
so there you go chump, braggin' makes her choke up
no need to thank me when your love life blows up

The mp3 can be downloaded here: