Michael Phelps Is Halfway There!

The American swimmer Michael Phelps was halfway to his goal of 8 gold medals in this year's Olympics contest when I finished writing this this morning (Tokyo time), but now we all know he has five. I know a shitty little 90 second "song" by me isn't going to encourage him or anything, but I've never been this excited about an Olympic event or athlete before, and it just kinda made itself. Good luck Michael, or as they say in Japan, GAN-BAH-REH! (do your best!)

Here's an article that predicts and tracks Phelps's progress:


These are the lyrics:

his goal is eight golds in the eighth month of '08
from the ninth there's nine days to anticipate
history in the making no mistaking
ambition for actually having what it takes
to break a record a day and make competitors say
"there's no way to compete against the great
Mister Phelps from Baltimore who did this all before
in Beijing making people wanna sing

when the whole world's watching
you do something no one's done before
heavy are your shoulders
but if your training and discipline are sufficient
there's no difference between you and gold

it's almost sick seeing how quick this kid really is
not by a bit, yo he makes the pool his
in the first event the 400 IM
there was no swimmer that could pass by him
in the 4x100 free relay
france got cocky but we beat em by .08
that was the hardest event, according to the press
enough of Clark Kent, time to write S on our chest

when the whole world's watching
you do something no one's done before
heavy are your shoulders
but if your training and discipline are sufficient
there's no difference between you and gold

in the 200 free there was just no contest
phelps beat everyone else and then his own best
i feel sorry for the others in the 200 fly
'cause you can't swim so fast while you cry
i reckon they were beggin' to just place in second
while phelps is wrackin' up a combo like it was tekken
swim like a butterfly float like a boat
that's his technique and that's all she wrote

when the whole world's watching
you do something no one's done before
heavy are your shoulders
but if your training and discipline are sufficient
there's no difference between you and gold

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


Ninja Escapes in New Jersey

A ninja was spotted in the woods behind a school in New Jersey, causing the school to shut down for a period of 30 minutes. Fears were abated when the ninja concealed his identity by posing as a camp counselor on his way to a costume party. A likely story, considering he was probably a real ninja.

The original article can be found here:


These are the lyrics:

a little birdy told me some worthy news that's not wordy
but surely you'll hurry from New Jersey
now cause an amount of insurmountable power
locked down a primary school for a half an hour
'cause a member of an ancient organization
with assassination as their vocation
was keenly seen sneakin' between trees in the forest
police, puhleez, they shoulda called Chuck Norris
he wouldn't falter at the art of deception
but the ninja fooled the cops by saying he was just dressin'
up for a costume party at school
it's not Halloween yet, more like April Fool's
and with his ninja magic he turned his sword to plastic
and managed to escape with these tactics
better be on the lookout the next time you in
New Jersey cause you might have a shuriken
coming at your face or darts poison laced
and every scrap of evidence neatly erased
'cause a ninja and death are like Spain and Spanish
and as soon as you think you see em they've already vanished

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


HearWho Converts Text to MP3 Speech (or does it?)

There was an article about a seemingly cool text-to-speech converter called HearWho, except the HearWho website (hearwho.com) is down, so it's impossible to try.
I was referred to three other text-to-speech websites from related articles, and the ones I found were:

vozMe (vozme.com)
SpokenText (spokentext.net)
YAKIToMe (yakitome.com)

The easiest one to use by far was vozMe, so I can only recommend that one at this point.

The original article can be found here:


These are the lyrics:

hear what? hear this. hear who? hear me
with text that i converted to mp3
i just heard about a service but it's broken so it's worthless
but i'll tell you anyway cause it might be working someday
it's called HearWho but i chose vozMe
why? because registration bothers me
that's what you get if you try another option
like what YAKIToMe or SpokenText's offerin'
not to mention SpokenText adds an ad
and i won't even try YAKIToMe cause enough i had
it's a shame that HearWho won't let me hear shit
i've been trying for more than a minute, i quit

but i'm not gonna sit here nit picking all day
it's time to have fun with text and play say
ridiculous things like "chicken wings"
and "livin' la vida loca" and "she bangs"
and whatever i hear with these ears appears
to be weird i need a beer to calm my fear
maybe what i gotta do is finish this track
and say "see ya later alligator" and "i'll be back"

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


Waboba Ball Bounces on Water

There's a fairly new invention called the Waboba Ball, and it looks awesome.

The original article can be found here:


And these are the lyrics:

i don't know what they eatin' over there in Sweden
but my props is what this Swedish dude's receiving
don't know how to say it but his name's von Heland
and his invention totally rocks like Van Halen

the era of the beach ball is probably over
cuz there's a brand new ball in the park: Waboba
boom that's the name i ain't even ashamed
to say it's pretty damn hot and i want it today
so what's it do? it feels good when you squeeze it
and bounces on top of the water like Jesus
that's what's you'll be saying the first time you see it
and the first time a joker decides to freeze it

"but wait! Jesus didn't bounce! he was a walker"
"if he had this ball, he'd be playing water soccer"
not to mention it could change games like polo
pairing em up like chewie and han solo
does it really work? i ain't tried it out
but i want one so bad ima scream and shout
it's already a hit in the land down under
why do you think? Santa comes in the summer
next is the UK, orders coming everyday
and i know the States'll be down to play

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


Laptops Can Now Be Seized at Airports

Did you know your data is at risk of being seized by Homeland Security if the US is part of your international travel plans?

The original article can be found here:


And these are the lyrics:

if you plan on traveling the global map
you might watch your back but i would watch your lap
cause according to a Homeland Security plan
the customs man might snatch your laptop outta your hand
whether you're on vacation or a crook
they can now take a look at what's in your macbook
if you don't change you can still be a fighter
but those afraid of losing data can pack lighter

you can still control your folders from overseas
with a so-coded remote client VNC
what it does is connect to your home server
and if you don't know you can be a quick learner
works for all systems windows, linux, and mac
so it gives you one less thing to pack
just make sure you take your flash drive with you
cause you love your files and we all know they miss you

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


Unwarranted Self-Esteem Is Sexy (yes, really)

In stark contrast to the article I read (see below), I found that self-appreciation is what women really love.

The article I disagree with can be found here:


And these are the lyrics:

so i crashed and burned by hatin' on myself
that's why this time the charm is gonna be dealt
instead of puttin' myself down i'm playin' myself up
and make my next date think i'm the hot stuff
i showed up five minutes early to this next date
and when she came on time i said "ain't i great?"
she said "i guess so" i said "you don't need to guess"
she asked "why?" i said "because i am the best"
she just kinda shook her head and looked away
i thought "she's stunned and doesn't know what to say"
forewent the dinner and drinks i knew what she wanted
it was to see my crib so that's what i flaunted
she asked "when was the last time you cleaned up?"
i said "i know it looks like yesterday but last month
anyway let's marvel at my array of ripped anime,
then we'll eat my shit, it tastes like Fannie May
she said "haha funny" i said "i know i am, honey
i bought a joke book last week with my mom's money"

"but besides that let's get acquainted with my phatness"
she said "it's astounding! did you take classes?"
i said "no, it's just natural, don't ask why"
she said "i couldn't be that fat if i tried!"
i was flattered but i had to play it cool
it was plain to see i was makin' this girl drool
she said "i'm glad i got to meet a real winner
but i'm starving, why don't we just go out to dinner?"
she's tellin' me i win, asking me to din din
is it just me or am i too masculine?
so i said "yes, in fact i knew you'd ask
it must be hard to resist when in my glory you bask"
she sighed "good lord" and i said "yes, what do you need?"
she asked "just where do you get this self-esteem?"
i said "it might be how i stand out in a crowd"
she agreed, motioned to my face, and laughed out loud
"...or it might be how i give the ladies chills"
she giggled and covered her mouth and said "for real"
"...or how many girls scream when they first see me"
she said "i know i almost did, believe me"
"...or it might be my peak physical physique"
she spit her soda out her nose. man this girl is a freak
she clutched her face with her hands and yelled "it burns!"
i said "that's love baby! court is adjourned!"
so there you go chump, braggin' makes her choke up
no need to thank me when your love life blows up

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


Self-Deprecation is Sexy (not really)

This article I read suggests that self-deprecation is sexy. I tried it out and posted the results.

The original article can be found here:


And these are the lyrics:

i read this article while doing my rounds
about how to be sexy by putting yourself down
it sounded counterproductive i didn't quite buy it
that's why i decided to just go out and try it
first things first i had to make me a date
and i showed up purposely 35 minutes late
i said "i'm sorry i have a habit of doing this"
she just had this look on her face like she was so pissed
i said "i tried to run here but i'm just too fat"
she said "you're tellin me. i can see that"

we went inside the bar and over to a table
i said "my life sucks so much it's shameful"

she said "it's okay let's just order a drink"
i said" alright... oh my god my feet stink"
she said "don't worry i wouldn't have known"
and i said "that's because i caked on cheap cologne"
we each ordered an alcoholic beverage
and i thought it best to try and get some more leverage
as soon as the waiter brought over our beers
i said "no dead end's as abrupt as my career's"
she didn't laugh in fact i think she sighed
and rolled her eyes and started looking at other guys
that's when i asked "will you come to my place?"
she said "get real creep" and dumped her beer in my face

i said "gee thanks. can we at least take a walk?"
she said "keep a distance of five feet and don't talk"

after walking a while in dead silence
she must have mistook the park for a deserted island
she said "i'll come to your place if that's what you wanted"
i said "thanks for the offer but my house is haunted"
i couldn't help but notice as we said our goodbyes
the complete and utter look of disgust in her eyes
i get the feeling i wasn't attractive at all
that's why i'm going to try the opposite tomorrow

The mp3 can be downloaded here:



Dreamcast Emulator for PSP

There's a new homebrew emulator for the PSP under development that shows promise for eventually being able to play games for the Sega Dreamcast.

The original article can be found here:


And these are the lyrics:

how many people out there own a PSP
with firmware by Dark Alex (M33)?
cause if you got it modded there's a project that started
that might let you play some hot retro games on it
rewinding back nine years in the past
a console by Sega was released called Dreamcast
it didn't sell so well but i felt that the system itself
had a wealth of swell games under its belt
like Dead or Alive 2 or Space Channel 5
Shenmue, Ikaruga, Jet Set Radio, Chu
Chu Rocket, and some games for your pocket
that you can peruse via the VMU,
a memory card with a display and buttons too.
anyway there's some homebrew nullDC
you can't use it quite yet but you can see
how the author's getting on in his progress
it's problematically slow but awfully awesome nonetheless

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


Productivity Software TimeSnapper

Today's article is about TimeSnapper, a piece of software that can help you use your computer time more wisely.

The original article can be found here:


And these are the lyrics:

using my computer on a daily basis
it's amazing how most of my day is basically wasted
whether it be on news or youtube views
it seems the more time that i have the more that i lose
but there's a new tool that reviews what i do
and regarding what the features are i'll name you a few
to start off you run the program TimeSnapper
it snaps shots of your screen and plays it back after
analyzing how much time you idle in applications
you assign a score based on those relations
and the more time you pour into important tasks
the program reports a grade back based on that
there's two versions, one free and one pro
as for the differences, try it out if you wanna know

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


Soy Foods Reduce Sperm Numbers?

A study suggests that eating soy even in moderate amounts may lead to reduced numbers of sperm.

The original article can be found here:


And these are the lyrics:

i thought i was a good boy eating all my SoyJoy bars
it might be good for my heart but not for other parts
for example the vicinity below my waist
kids i could potentially have might be gettin erased
'cause soy chemicals may affect the genitals
lowering your sperm count by a few decimals
the Harvard School of Public Health tested 99 men
the ones who ate more soy had fewer boys in their gems
i used to represent eat a block of tofu a day
but now those tiny flagellates are saying "no way
i don't wanna die just because you're on a fitness high
you like swimming for your health? well so do i!
put that soy milk down, skip the soy cereal
the health you need to think about now is venereal"
okay, i guess i need to be fair
cause without your cooperation my family's going nowhere
instead of a tofu burger i'll eat jars of Gerber
a loads of fruit and veggies like i'm doing already
is there a pressing need for men to change their diet?
will the pool downstairs really get more quiet?
i guess a comforting word for those remaining in doubt
is either way you look at it the number's higher than you can count

The mp3 can be downloaded here:

Google to Acquire Digg?

Here's my second podcast, regarding the possible acquisition of Digg by Google:

The original article can be found here:


And these are the lyrics:

"with a boom boom chick and a boom boom bap kerplow
sittin in my room readin news to rap about
first up today with no further delay
concerns my preferred form of news relay
a website called Digg six million users big
and it might be sold to a 200 million dollar bid
offered by none other than a pseudo-Big Brother
that's right it's Google son coming for you and your mother
extending its grasp on the internet map
and building itself into everything that you have
the behemoth wants to compete with stuff like Yahoo Buzz
and Propeller by AOL, yo whatever that does
as long as it doesn't interfere with the deal
that Digg made with Microsoft for three long years
'cause these enormous names in Internet land
don't like to play nice or agree to shake hands
it's not my place to predict the way the deal ends
but it's safe to say this deal's weight is immense
yo journalrhyhm
my posts are like worms, you gotta digg 'em"

The mp3 can be downloaded here:


Counterfeit Bills given by bank in Florida?

My first story comes from the following page, detailing the peril of a Florida resident named Ulises Garcia who was supposedly given counterfeit bills from Wachovia Bank:


The podcast for this blog is nearly essential for enjoyment:

lyrics should be included in the id3, but just in case:

"down in florida the land of the bayou
you need to rethink what a benjamin'll buy you
a bank called Wachovia in the center of the state
is suspected of dispersing real bills with fakes
this dude named Garcia was just paying his bills
when the Bank of America said "are you for real?
do you expect us to transfer this shit?"
10 of these 36 bills are counterfeit!"
Garcia and his fiance need the money
'cause in a while she will become his honey bunny
they need the moolah so they can plan a wedding
but a Wachovia refund they're not getting
'cause they can't prove with undebateable truth
that the teller from Wachovia slipped em the dupes
Garcia called the local news, cops, and feds
hoping that his trusted bank will give him real bread
who's the right one here who's in the wrong?
i don't really care i just finished the song"

if you'd like the mp3, you can find it here: