"Man I Hate GameStop" Contest

I rarely shop at GameStop, but sometimes I forget why that is and wander in, false hopes high, only to be quickly reminded of how much they hate games and the people who play them. I did that at the mall this weekend, and almost bought a "new" game until I was informed by the employee that the sticker-covered case with no disc inside that I picked up off the shelf was the one I was about to take home. I put the game back and decided to write a song to remind myself why I should never set foot in there again.



The mp3 can be downloaded here:
ManIHateGameStop11.mp3


These are the lyrics:

I'm pissed right now, right
I- I feel sick
If you know this store
would you please sing along?

Man I hate Gamestop
They make me broke when they should be bankrupt
Everytime I leave there I feel like I hate people and games both
Sells "new" games post-opening
Ugly stickers on everything
Sold a game for free, bought it back for 10,
feel used myself, then I do it again.

I wanna take the "stop" back out of "games"
Put those same games back into their cases
Give employees more than 5-cent raises
Wipe smug smiles off managers' faces

Make a rule saying that reserved is reserved
meaning not "accidentally" sold to people on the curb.
Not bogus with the pre-order bonus
meaning not pre-picked over by staff who don't know us.

Keep new games sealed I might pay more;
you don't shelve cases like a video store.
There's three classes of game: new, used, rental:
Renting games to staff? You must be mental.

Man I hate Gamestop
They make me broke when they should be bankrupt
Everytime I leave there I feel like I hate people and games both
Sells "new" games post-opening
Ugly stickers on everything
Sold a game for free, bought it back for 10,
feel used myself, then I do it again.

Man I hate Gamestop
I hate those stickers,
edge cards, fake gamers.
Man I hate Gamestop

Sad thing is the method actually works:
a store ripping people off managed by jerks.
That's how you make a multi-million dollar profit:
Make people think they got no other option.

But trading used games is so damn easy:
type in a google search "gametz"
Input the game's you'll trade and the one's you want
and you can trade most 1-to-1

Wanna buy a new game that hasn't been scratched on?
Try Wal-Mart, Target, Best Buy, or Amazon
A company offending every element of what they sell?
Forget the bottom line: go straight to hell.

Man I hate Gamestop
They make me broke when they should be bankrupt
Everytime I leave there I feel like I hate people and games both
Sells "new" games post-opening
Ugly stickers on everything
Sold a game for free, bought it back for 10,
feel used myself, then I do it again.

Man I hate Gamestop
I hate those stickers,
edge cards, fake gamers.
Man I hate Gamestop

Now, if everybody would please put their finger as high as they can, as high as they can, and repeat after me.

No more business: No more profit.
No more business: No more profit.

Suck this!
Suck this!
Suck this!
Suck this!

No more business: No more profit.
No more business: No more profit.

GameStop games not.
GameStop games not.

Man I hate GameStop. I hate it!
Aiight everybody, we gotta put the smack down a little bit.

Man I hate Gamestop
They make me broke when they should be bankrupt
Everytime I leave there I feel like I hate people and games both
Sells "new" games post-opening
Ugly stickers on everything
Sold a game for free, bought it back for 10
Feel used myself, won't do it again.

Daily Swine Flu Tally Makes Huge Deal Of Seasonal Illness

It's easy to think the apocalypse might be right around the corner when mass media gives you a daily count of people who've contracted a disease. This time they've picked a strain of flu virus that causes *gasp* the same symptoms as every other strain, including the possibility of death. So feel free to worry about something you've forgotten to worry about every year.




The original news articles can be found here:


Officials say US deaths expected from swine flu

These are the lyrics:

These days there's more articles about it in the news
than people who have actually contracted swine flu
and the more that you hear it the more you gon' fear it
i've had enough of that so the air i'm clearin'

more people gonna die driving in their cars
but that don't make news like new flus or SARS
let me break you down just a few statistics
amidst the paranoia you might have missed it

35,000 deaths occur every flu season
we weren't concerned last year, what's the reason?
SARS "epidemic" killed 774
out of the largest population in the world

i'm not saying that you shouldn't be worried
but worry on the news gets bigger in a hurry
surely a daily update on the state of
any malaise will have you thinking crazy things
in a hazy maze of amazingly vague information
doomsday's days away but strangely patient

Feel like got it from all those promotin' it:
It's been a few days and I'm already over it.

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
DailySwineFluTallyMakesHugeDealOfSeasonalIllness.mp3

Charred Meat May Increase Risk of Pancreatic Cancer

A new study documenting the eating habits of more than 62,000 participants over 9 years has revealed a strong connection between eating charred meat and pancreatic cancer. Kristin Anderson, an associate professor at the University of Minnesota, which led the study, suggests various ways to prepare meat other than frying or grilling that may lower the risk of developing this highly deadly disease.




The original news articles can be found here:

Burned meat linked to pancreatic cancer

Charring Meat May Boost Risk of Pancreatic Cancer

These are the lyrics:

Do you like your barbecued meat well-done?
Well if you do your pancreas may well done for son
according to a University of Minnesota study
you might be better off eating red meat bloody

because charred black meat contains heterocyclic amines
it's got carcinogens is what that means
of over 62,000 healthy people documented
over nine years there was a high percentage
in people who often ate things like well-done steak
of gettin' pancreatic cancer depending on their intake

there's a few precautions you might wanna take
just in case like having your meat stewed or baked
or put it in the microwave before you grill
or just cut off the burnt part before you eat your fill

there's a lot fewer options once you get sick
cause pancreatic cancer will kill you quick
even if the study lacks a definitive answer
lowering your risk is the best cure for cancer

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
CharredMeatMayIncreaseRiskofPancreaticCancer11.mp3

Roughly 9 Percent of Young Gamers May Be 'Addicted'

According to a recent study by Harris Interactive, 8.5 percent of kids surveyed showed signs of being "addicted" to video games, playing them to a degree that adversely affected their closest relationships, their schoolwork, or their health.
I'm the kind of person who almost by reflex scoffs at people who purport that video games lead to violent behavior, etc., but I must admit that if nothing else, games can be addictive. Sometimes it takes a lot of self control to put them down, and I'm glad I was finally able to. I still play them of course, but only after my "work" is done.




The original news article can be found here:

Almost 1 in 10 Young Video Game Users 'Addicted'

These are the lyrics:
if you're not familiar with the way this works
what I do is bring you news that you might have already heard
the only difference is i do it all in my own way
and it goes a little something like this, you could say i'm

bringing the news
"breaking" a story
i sing and i rap
if you don't like it: sorry.

as you can probably tell i like video games
I write about 'em once a week or so it seems
I never really talk about 'em as a problem
but they can be that if you play 'em too often

a nationwide survey by Harris Interactive
found many kids aren't very that 'cause of gaming habits
almost 9 percent are having trouble at school
with friends and family, some with health problems too

being addicted to games could be the cause or result
and don't think it doesn't happen to adults
because that was me back in January
when I played 'em all day every day exclusively

played a little bit less in February
when I made a new friend and had someone to see
did a little soul searchin' in March
realized it was due time to make a new start

now I make music I'm no game-a-holic
I changed games like my name was Greg Paulus
even if I got a low gamerscore
yo I feel ten times better than I did before

I gotta feeling why I needed 'em like sushi to rice
they made me feel nice like I won... when I failed at life
and maybe I still do but I ain't gon' quit
living my life by my own imagination

bringing the news
"breaking" a story
i sing and i rap
if you don't like it: sorry.

i'd like to thank everybody out there on twitter
'cause with your cooperation this is so much bigger

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
Roughly9PercentofYoungGamersMayBeAddicted11.mp3

Real Snakes Loose on Plane, FBI Handles Drunk Man Instead

Four baby non-venomous pythons escaped in the cargo area of a Qantas Airlines passenger flight today. There were no FBI agents involved, no terrified passengers, and no Samuel L. Jackson, proving that, perhaps fortunately so, real life just isn't as exciting as in the movies.
On the other hand, FBI agents did investigate the case of a Hawaii-bound flight from LA on which a passenger who had been drinking urinated on a 66-year-old woman. He was convicted of assault and sentenced to 3 weeks in jail.




The original news articles can be found here:

Baby pythons escape during flight in Australia
Man jailed for urinating on woman during flight

These are the lyrics:

nothing says "real life is too mundane"
like an uneventful case of snakes on a plane
four non-venomous half foot-long pythons
escape on the passenger plane they were riding on

they decide to play in the cargo bay
while the other 8 snakes said "hey, we'll just stay
right here in our foam box. no need to get lost
and fumigated before the next flight takes off"

and that's what happened when they counted 'em afterwards
couldn't find a one so they gassed the bastards
the plane's back in operation few concerns were raised
and that species wasn't even endangered

neither were the passengers in that case
but on a real Hawaiian flight this dude whipped out his own snake
went up to a woman who was sixty-six
musta thought she looked like a good place to piss

he had been drinking but that's a poor story
if you can stand up you can recognize a lavatory
FBI held an investigation
he got 3 weeks behind bars for urination

feds take real cases don't mess with snakes
they should make a movie called "Drunks Pissin' In Faces"

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
RealSnakesLooseonPlaneFBIHandlesDrunkManInstead11.mp3

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Ad Flusters Rapper Newscaster

In attempting to cover Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony spoof video, I eventually get drawn in by her charm. I guess self-deprecation really IS sexy! (see this post for reference)




The original news article can be found here:

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1609187/20090414/lohan_lindsay.jhtml

These are the lyrics:

to Samantha Ronson I send my condolences
Lindsay Lohan is looking for romance
is this for real? I think not. Here's why:
her promo was featured on the site "Funny Or Die"

and I admit: I had to laugh a little bit
that why she's not dead right now. i get it.
that's a pretty cool concept except
if i ever made a video there I'd be put to death

anyway let's get back on track
Lohan's eHarmony ad lists tons of fun facts
like how 9 out of every 10 celeb sites up
need her material to keep from going bankrupt

not only does she support the economy
she got more money in the bank than me!
doesn't even care if I'm a he or a she
I could change anytime if she liked my personality

I like passin' out in an Escalade
and I'll drive you when you're drunk like everyday
even if it's a PCH car chase
we can walk along the beach right after the court case

we can crash a party, a car, or your career
and then look around afterwards for your underwear
yo this rap started out as just a summary
but now it looks like some kinda desperate plea

I guess her video was a real success
and I know I called her "cracked out" last week, yes, but
I kinda take it back after seeing her ad
you know she's just crazy cool not crazy bad

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
LindsayLohanseHarmonyAdFlustersRapperNewscaster11.mp3

Google Disables Uploads and Comments for YouTube Korea

After a string of incidents involving cyber-bullying, Korea enacted a Cyber Defamation Law on April 1st that compels all sites with over 100,000 unique visitors a day to implement registration requiring Koreans' real names to be verified with a national ID number. Google, taking a stand for anonymity, has refused to modify YouTube Korea's registration process, choosing instead to simply prevent Koreans from uploading or commenting on YouTube. However, they were thoughtful enough to post instructions on their YouTube Korea page about how to circumvent Korean law by changing user preference settings to another country.

Google apparently considers itself above the law in the foreign countries it provides service to, actually encouraging their citizens to sidestep their own laws. Ironically, this outright refusal to honor the laws that other countries deem important is in Google's "commitment to openness" and "bias in favor of freedom of expression". In the end, Google's expression of opinion is the only one that seems to matter.

In the song I outline some events that led to the passage of the Cyber Defamation Law and examine the insensitivity of Google's decision.




The original news article can be found here:

http://www.pcworld.com/article/162989/google_disables_uploads_comments_on_youtube_korea.html

These are the lyrics:

yo we all know people like talking smack
online but in Korea they got bullies on crack
"Oppa" is a word they use for big brother
but instead of the government it's every other sucker

if you even neglect to clean up your dog's poo
someone'll take your picture post it on the net and find you
asking around for your name and address
where you go to school and wherever you go next

they'll make you so well-known you'll have to drop out
pack up all your things, move into a new house
you think I'm making this up? it happened in '05
the victim was lucky she didn't turn to suicide

but for an actress like Choi Jin Sil
if everyone was trashing you then how would you feel?
and a month before that it was Ahn Jae Hwan
both movie celebrities now both of 'em gone

pushed to the limit by people on the internet
you can't makes arrests when no one's innocent
but you pass a law on Cyber Defamation
requiring online ID registration

and that's what happened but Google ain't having it
saving anonymity by straight up cancelling
every Korean's ability to contribute
videos and comments on NotYouTooTube

then they made a post on their very own website
"everything's fine guys, everybody just lie, alright?
change your preferences to a nation that's not yours.
just like you were forced to before in other wars."

YouTube imposes ideas on Korea
at the same time saying "don't post yours, either!"
that's some hypocritical political bull
and after 8 years of Bush I'm full

go ahead tell your friends join a petition
YT won't feature me so who's gon' listen?

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
GoogleDisablesUploadsandCommentsforYouTubeKorea11.mp3

X-Men Origins: Wolverine Game Might Not Suck

Not many of us have high expectations for video games based on movies, but Ben Kuchera at Ars Technica has new high hopes for the X-Men Origins: Wolverine game after being pleasantly surprised by a cinematic and gameplay demo.




The original news article can be found here:

http://arstechnica.com/gaming/news/2009/04/wolverine.ars

These are the lyrics:

not yet on the big screen but a million have already seen
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
yo who else could make your face into a shish kebab
and make a FOX movie critic lose his job?

yo you got new faces like Gambit and Deadpool
and hype that's bigger than a damn Sentinel
but even if it makes like a billion bucks
a game about a movie usually sucks

while some may claim this thing's more of the same
insanely tame shame of a game, yo "it's not so lame"
wrote a hopeful bloke from Ars Technica
it's no joke you know I expected a

PG-13 deeply insulting
boring-ass Wolverine but "this dude's mean"
putting his claws clean through the walls
impaling a dude's skull he falls camera shows it all

you can do just like you wanna when you're pissed off
slice a dude's arm, arm comes off
if you get hurt don't worry you'll heal
just sit back, watch it, tell your kids "that's not real"

ESRB's got beef with gore
the game's rated M for "Men": you know we're not mature

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
XMenOriginsWolverineGameMightNotSuck11.mp3

Kanye West Gets Humbled By South Park "Fish Sticks" Episode

A South Park episode aired yesterday has Kanye West reflecting on his ego as he posted to his blog today admitting "I need to just get past myself". While it may be undeniable that he has high self esteem, he points out that it helped him during times when no one believed in him. Using self esteem selectively might just be what Kanye needs to avoid a future South Park appearance.




The original news article can be found here:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090409/ap_on_en_mu/people_kanye_west;_ylt=Aok8CfsDX6Oh0S7_bvRr85sDW7oF

These are the lyrics:

there's a cartoon South Park it's ornery
and last night it laid the smack down on Kanye
funny thing is it actually made him twitch
and he'll prolly think about it next time he eats fishsticks

wrote about it in a blog post today
how's he's trying not to be a douchebag per se
pointed out the difference between rap and real life
and how people like Little Wayne are so nice

even though he wrote in cruise control for cool
and misspelled "used to" yo he ain't no fool
talking 'bout how he used his self esteem
when no one ever thought that he could reach his dream

yo that's the kinda thing to which I can relate
when not even my mom has said "your rhymes are great"
so even if you don't remind us you're the best
you know we still love you, Mr. West

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
KanyeWestGetsHumbledBySouthPark111.mp3

Anti-Chris Brown Song "My Flow So Tight" Causes Uproar

A new song entitled "My Flow So Tight" by DJ crew Jump Smokers, renamed from Smoke Jumpers due to a name conflict, calling for Chris Brown to "get his ass kicked" has gotten a sudden wave of attention as it received radio airplay last week.




The original news article can be found here:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090408/ap_on_en_mu/music_anti_chris_brown_song;_ylt=AoAICRNnC.ni0KDg90KKbqwDW7oF

These are the lyrics:

I'm about to tell 'bout a brand new song
that some might say is messed up and wrong
it was cut by a group of Chi-town DJs
who just like me reference the news these days

talking 'bout Chris Brown sayin' he should be beat down
and how his whole career pretty much ended now
and when the radio stations found out
they played it on the airwaves and people wil'ed out

the group was called the Smoke Jumpers until
a same-name group from Texas said "chill"
so Jump Smokers became their new name
I don't know what either means so it's all the same

their song is called "My Flow Is So Tight"
and it's getting more plays than that movie Twilight
it's got a phat beat that's mo bettah than this one
and it'll make 'ya sweat like a court decision

yeah JournalRhythm
bringin' you news fast

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
AntiChrisBrownSongMyFlowIsSoTightCausesUproar111.mp3

GM and Segway Unveil Two-Wheeled Vehicle: PUMA

GM and Segway demonstrated today a new two-wheeled urban vehicle prototype called the PUMA that may change the way people commute around town. They also assert that they have the GPS technology to have the vehicles drive themselves. While I can see the promise of the latter idea, I have my doubts about the vehicle itself.




The original news article can be found here:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090407/ap_on_bi_ge/general_motors_segway;_ylt=Auf942KRQjPkPfXjI3jCxigDW7oF

These are the lyrics:

there's a new concept in the automotive business
it's 2 seated, 2 wheeled, and too ambitious
General Motors fearing their time is over
is desperate to meet their innovation quota

partnered with Segway trying to make headway
came up with something just a little more deadly
works like the other one except that you sit
and ride around praying that you don't get hit

relies on balance just to keep you off your face
like sitting in a two-legged chair to save space
and for that "benefit" they'll add cost into it
making it affordable to only an idiot

even if it is a solution to a problem
that don't mean it won't cause more on top of 'em
how you gettin' to work if there's ice or it snows
you gonna be cold when there's no doors to close

your groceries will have sit on your knees
and you're lucky if the wind just stays at a breeze
hope you don't need to make a real quick stop
cause like the idea itself: you gonn' flop

i know they're trying to be different and make a big deal
but there's already a better idea: more wheels
I'm not just trying to bite it. I'd also highlight an
already bright idea: GPS autopilot

so GM I say "Go for it!"
cause this manual drivin' I'm over it
i'd rather be napping not drunk drive crashin'
just ask Google Maps you can make it happen

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
GMandSegwayUnveilTwoWheeledVehiclePUMA111.mp3

North Korea Launches Rocket Over Japan

On Sunday North Korea fired a rocket that sailed over Japan, apparently fizzling out and landing in the ocean. China and Russia maintain that there is no need for alarm as the launch was of a satellite, not a ballistic missile. However, the technology tested in the launch may have been for long-range ballistics purposes, and US President Barack Obama called for action to be taken against this breach of the 2006 UN Security Council Resolution.




The original news article can be found here:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/northkorea/5110675/Analysis-actions-harder-than-words-over-North-Korea-missile-launch.html

These are the lyrics:

if you don't know about the Six-Party conversation
let me take a minute to give you an education
basically it's like a game of 3 on 3
and the half court line's the in middle of Korea

on the South's side is the US and Japan
who both understand nuclear weapons first-hand
on the North's team is China and Russia
they're like the center and power forward brothers

back in '06 the UN blew the whistle
and decided any shot was cool except missiles
Pyongyang tends to forget what was said
and recently threw a missile right over Japan's head

and Japan called a timeout to avoid fighting
Obama came in and said "rules must be binding"
China and Russia said "you might be right
but that wasn't a missile, that was just a satellite"

NK needs to play safe just to stay in the game
cause for playing they get paid with food staples and aid
they just lucky to even be treated as equals
and not have America taking their free throws...

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
NorthKoreaLaunchesRocketOverJapan111.mp3

Do Guys Prefer Games to Girls?

According to a survey administered by www.PS3pricecompare.co.uk, approximately 1 in 3 British men stated they would rather play video games than sleep with their partner. In this song, I explore some of the factors involved in this difficult choice.



The original news article can be found here:

http://www.pocket-lint.com/news/news.phtml/23352/24376/72percent-prefer-gaming-to-girlfriends.phtml

These are the lyrics:

to kill that last demon and watch your girl leavin'?
or ditch heavy guns for some heavy breathin'?
to rock the headboard or leave her sleepin'?
to lock the door or unlock achievements?

that is the question to which no less than
32% of British men tested
said "i'm so over bed, i'll play games instead"
"i left foreplay for Left 4 Dead"

many girls out there surprised by the answer
might think of video games as love cancer
but you can't be sure i bet there's guys galore
who would take a cheap whore over Superman 64

yeah, but if both choices tight
we could play 10 minutes at most or all night
it's a tough choice when it comes to us boys
but ima set it straight ima give us a voice
just ask any guy and they'll tell you the same
it depends on the girl; it depends on the game

if my girlfriend had sexy legs and wore fishnets beggin me "come to bed"
but then there's Chun Li from Street Fighter III, better yet SF4 it's more 3D
in times like this it could go either way
that's when I'd create a third option: cosplay

would I play Prince of Persia for PS3
or Paris Hilton? Neither. They're both too easy!
Britney Spears whispering "Come here!"
or playing Silent Hill? Either way I'm scared!
rollin' over Lindsay Lohan or a katamari?
neither one, they both cracked out, sorry.

but if I had a girl like Julia Stiles
straight up, I'd walk away from any game if it'd make her smile
again, it depends on the men's interest in women
the game's not the villian that's just the beginning

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
DoGuysPreferGamestoGirls121.mp3

Michael Phelps Is Halfway There!

The American swimmer Michael Phelps was halfway to his goal of 8 gold medals in this year's Olympics contest when I finished writing this this morning (Tokyo time), but now we all know he has five. I know a shitty little 90 second "song" by me isn't going to encourage him or anything, but I've never been this excited about an Olympic event or athlete before, and it just kinda made itself. Good luck Michael, or as they say in Japan, GAN-BAH-REH! (do your best!)




Here's an article that predicts and tracks Phelps's progress:

http://sports.espn.go.com/oly/summer08/columns/story?columnist=forde_pat&id=3524709

These are the lyrics:

his goal is eight golds in the eighth month of '08
from the ninth there's nine days to anticipate
history in the making no mistaking
ambition for actually having what it takes
to break a record a day and make competitors say
"there's no way to compete against the great
Mister Phelps from Baltimore who did this all before
in Beijing making people wanna sing

when the whole world's watching
you do something no one's done before
heavy are your shoulders
but if your training and discipline are sufficient
there's no difference between you and gold

it's almost sick seeing how quick this kid really is
not by a bit, yo he makes the pool his
in the first event the 400 IM
there was no swimmer that could pass by him
in the 4x100 free relay
france got cocky but we beat em by .08
that was the hardest event, according to the press
enough of Clark Kent, time to write S on our chest

when the whole world's watching
you do something no one's done before
heavy are your shoulders
but if your training and discipline are sufficient
there's no difference between you and gold

in the 200 free there was just no contest
phelps beat everyone else and then his own best
i feel sorry for the others in the 200 fly
'cause you can't swim so fast while you cry
i reckon they were beggin' to just place in second
while phelps is wrackin' up a combo like it was tekken
swim like a butterfly float like a boat
that's his technique and that's all she wrote

when the whole world's watching
you do something no one's done before
heavy are your shoulders
but if your training and discipline are sufficient
there's no difference between you and gold

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
PhelpsIsHalfwayThere.mp3

Ninja Escapes in New Jersey

A ninja was spotted in the woods behind a school in New Jersey, causing the school to shut down for a period of 30 minutes. Fears were abated when the ninja concealed his identity by posing as a camp counselor on his way to a costume party. A likely story, considering he was probably a real ninja.



The original article can be found here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/08/06/ninja-sighting-shuts-down_n_117348.html

These are the lyrics:

a little birdy told me some worthy news that's not wordy
but surely you'll hurry from New Jersey
now cause an amount of insurmountable power
locked down a primary school for a half an hour
'cause a member of an ancient organization
with assassination as their vocation
was keenly seen sneakin' between trees in the forest
police, puhleez, they shoulda called Chuck Norris
he wouldn't falter at the art of deception
but the ninja fooled the cops by saying he was just dressin'
up for a costume party at school
it's not Halloween yet, more like April Fool's
and with his ninja magic he turned his sword to plastic
and managed to escape with these tactics
better be on the lookout the next time you in
New Jersey cause you might have a shuriken
coming at your face or darts poison laced
and every scrap of evidence neatly erased
'cause a ninja and death are like Spain and Spanish
and as soon as you think you see em they've already vanished


The mp3 can be downloaded here:
NinjaEscapesinNewJersey.mp3

HearWho Converts Text to MP3 Speech (or does it?)

There was an article about a seemingly cool text-to-speech converter called HearWho, except the HearWho website (hearwho.com) is down, so it's impossible to try.
I was referred to three other text-to-speech websites from related articles, and the ones I found were:

vozMe (vozme.com)
SpokenText (spokentext.net)
YAKIToMe (yakitome.com)

The easiest one to use by far was vozMe, so I can only recommend that one at this point.



The original article can be found here:

http://lifehacker.com/399831/hearwho-converts-text-to-mp3

These are the lyrics:

hear what? hear this. hear who? hear me
with text that i converted to mp3
i just heard about a service but it's broken so it's worthless
but i'll tell you anyway cause it might be working someday
it's called HearWho but i chose vozMe
why? because registration bothers me
that's what you get if you try another option
like what YAKIToMe or SpokenText's offerin'
not to mention SpokenText adds an ad
and i won't even try YAKIToMe cause enough i had
it's a shame that HearWho won't let me hear shit
i've been trying for more than a minute, i quit

but i'm not gonna sit here nit picking all day
it's time to have fun with text and play say
ridiculous things like "chicken wings"
and "livin' la vida loca" and "she bangs"
and whatever i hear with these ears appears
to be weird i need a beer to calm my fear
maybe what i gotta do is finish this track
and say "see ya later alligator" and "i'll be back"


The mp3 can be downloaded here:
HearWhoConvertsTexttoMP3Speech.mp3

Waboba Ball Bounces on Water

There's a fairly new invention called the Waboba Ball, and it looks awesome.



The original article can be found here:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2484555/Ball-that-bounces-on-water-is-latest-beach-toy.html

And these are the lyrics:

i don't know what they eatin' over there in Sweden
but my props is what this Swedish dude's receiving
don't know how to say it but his name's von Heland
and his invention totally rocks like Van Halen

the era of the beach ball is probably over
cuz there's a brand new ball in the park: Waboba
boom that's the name i ain't even ashamed
to say it's pretty damn hot and i want it today
so what's it do? it feels good when you squeeze it
and bounces on top of the water like Jesus
that's what's you'll be saying the first time you see it
and the first time a joker decides to freeze it

"but wait! Jesus didn't bounce! he was a walker"
"if he had this ball, he'd be playing water soccer"
not to mention it could change games like polo
pairing em up like chewie and han solo
does it really work? i ain't tried it out
but i want one so bad ima scream and shout
it's already a hit in the land down under
why do you think? Santa comes in the summer
next is the UK, orders coming everyday
and i know the States'll be down to play


The mp3 can be downloaded here:
WabobaBallBouncesonWater.mp3

Laptops Can Now Be Seized at Airports

Did you know your data is at risk of being seized by Homeland Security if the US is part of your international travel plans?



The original article can be found here:

http://lifehacker.com/399709/avoid-laptop-seizure-on-international-trips

And these are the lyrics:

if you plan on traveling the global map
you might watch your back but i would watch your lap
cause according to a Homeland Security plan
the customs man might snatch your laptop outta your hand
whether you're on vacation or a crook
they can now take a look at what's in your macbook
if you don't change you can still be a fighter
but those afraid of losing data can pack lighter

you can still control your folders from overseas
with a so-coded remote client VNC
what it does is connect to your home server
and if you don't know you can be a quick learner
works for all systems windows, linux, and mac
so it gives you one less thing to pack
just make sure you take your flash drive with you
cause you love your files and we all know they miss you


The mp3 can be downloaded here:
LaptopsCanNowBeSeizedatAirports.mp3

Unwarranted Self-Esteem Is Sexy (yes, really)

In stark contrast to the article I read (see below), I found that self-appreciation is what women really love.



The article I disagree with can be found here:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2463131/Self-deprecation-the-key-to-the-art-of-seduction.html

And these are the lyrics:

so i crashed and burned by hatin' on myself
that's why this time the charm is gonna be dealt
instead of puttin' myself down i'm playin' myself up
and make my next date think i'm the hot stuff
i showed up five minutes early to this next date
and when she came on time i said "ain't i great?"
she said "i guess so" i said "you don't need to guess"
she asked "why?" i said "because i am the best"
she just kinda shook her head and looked away
i thought "she's stunned and doesn't know what to say"
forewent the dinner and drinks i knew what she wanted
it was to see my crib so that's what i flaunted
she asked "when was the last time you cleaned up?"
i said "i know it looks like yesterday but last month
anyway let's marvel at my array of ripped anime,
then we'll eat my shit, it tastes like Fannie May
she said "haha funny" i said "i know i am, honey
i bought a joke book last week with my mom's money"

"but besides that let's get acquainted with my phatness"
she said "it's astounding! did you take classes?"
i said "no, it's just natural, don't ask why"
she said "i couldn't be that fat if i tried!"
i was flattered but i had to play it cool
it was plain to see i was makin' this girl drool
she said "i'm glad i got to meet a real winner
but i'm starving, why don't we just go out to dinner?"
she's tellin' me i win, asking me to din din
is it just me or am i too masculine?
so i said "yes, in fact i knew you'd ask
it must be hard to resist when in my glory you bask"
she sighed "good lord" and i said "yes, what do you need?"
she asked "just where do you get this self-esteem?"
i said "it might be how i stand out in a crowd"
she agreed, motioned to my face, and laughed out loud
"...or it might be how i give the ladies chills"
she giggled and covered her mouth and said "for real"
"...or how many girls scream when they first see me"
she said "i know i almost did, believe me"
"...or it might be my peak physical physique"
she spit her soda out her nose. man this girl is a freak
she clutched her face with her hands and yelled "it burns!"
i said "that's love baby! court is adjourned!"
so there you go chump, braggin' makes her choke up
no need to thank me when your love life blows up


The mp3 can be downloaded here:
UnwarrantedSelfEsteemIsSexy.mp3

Self-Deprecation is Sexy (not really)

This article I read suggests that self-deprecation is sexy. I tried it out and posted the results.



The original article can be found here:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2463131/Self-deprecation-the-key-to-the-art-of-seduction.html

And these are the lyrics:

i read this article while doing my rounds
about how to be sexy by putting yourself down
it sounded counterproductive i didn't quite buy it
that's why i decided to just go out and try it
first things first i had to make me a date
and i showed up purposely 35 minutes late
i said "i'm sorry i have a habit of doing this"
she just had this look on her face like she was so pissed
i said "i tried to run here but i'm just too fat"
she said "you're tellin me. i can see that"

we went inside the bar and over to a table
i said "my life sucks so much it's shameful"

she said "it's okay let's just order a drink"
i said" alright... oh my god my feet stink"
she said "don't worry i wouldn't have known"
and i said "that's because i caked on cheap cologne"
we each ordered an alcoholic beverage
and i thought it best to try and get some more leverage
as soon as the waiter brought over our beers
i said "no dead end's as abrupt as my career's"
she didn't laugh in fact i think she sighed
and rolled her eyes and started looking at other guys
that's when i asked "will you come to my place?"
she said "get real creep" and dumped her beer in my face

i said "gee thanks. can we at least take a walk?"
she said "keep a distance of five feet and don't talk"

after walking a while in dead silence
she must have mistook the park for a deserted island
she said "i'll come to your place if that's what you wanted"
i said "thanks for the offer but my house is haunted"
i couldn't help but notice as we said our goodbyes
the complete and utter look of disgust in her eyes
i get the feeling i wasn't attractive at all
that's why i'm going to try the opposite tomorrow


The mp3 can be downloaded here:

SelfDeprecationisSexy.mp3