Daily Swine Flu Tally Makes Huge Deal Of Seasonal Illness

It's easy to think the apocalypse might be right around the corner when mass media gives you a daily count of people who've contracted a disease. This time they've picked a strain of flu virus that causes *gasp* the same symptoms as every other strain, including the possibility of death. So feel free to worry about something you've forgotten to worry about every year.




The original news articles can be found here:


Officials say US deaths expected from swine flu

These are the lyrics:

These days there's more articles about it in the news
than people who have actually contracted swine flu
and the more that you hear it the more you gon' fear it
i've had enough of that so the air i'm clearin'

more people gonna die driving in their cars
but that don't make news like new flus or SARS
let me break you down just a few statistics
amidst the paranoia you might have missed it

35,000 deaths occur every flu season
we weren't concerned last year, what's the reason?
SARS "epidemic" killed 774
out of the largest population in the world

i'm not saying that you shouldn't be worried
but worry on the news gets bigger in a hurry
surely a daily update on the state of
any malaise will have you thinking crazy things
in a hazy maze of amazingly vague information
doomsday's days away but strangely patient

Feel like got it from all those promotin' it:
It's been a few days and I'm already over it.

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
DailySwineFluTallyMakesHugeDealOfSeasonalIllness.mp3

Unwarranted Self-Esteem Is Sexy (yes, really)

In stark contrast to the article I read (see below), I found that self-appreciation is what women really love.



The article I disagree with can be found here:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2463131/Self-deprecation-the-key-to-the-art-of-seduction.html

And these are the lyrics:

so i crashed and burned by hatin' on myself
that's why this time the charm is gonna be dealt
instead of puttin' myself down i'm playin' myself up
and make my next date think i'm the hot stuff
i showed up five minutes early to this next date
and when she came on time i said "ain't i great?"
she said "i guess so" i said "you don't need to guess"
she asked "why?" i said "because i am the best"
she just kinda shook her head and looked away
i thought "she's stunned and doesn't know what to say"
forewent the dinner and drinks i knew what she wanted
it was to see my crib so that's what i flaunted
she asked "when was the last time you cleaned up?"
i said "i know it looks like yesterday but last month
anyway let's marvel at my array of ripped anime,
then we'll eat my shit, it tastes like Fannie May
she said "haha funny" i said "i know i am, honey
i bought a joke book last week with my mom's money"

"but besides that let's get acquainted with my phatness"
she said "it's astounding! did you take classes?"
i said "no, it's just natural, don't ask why"
she said "i couldn't be that fat if i tried!"
i was flattered but i had to play it cool
it was plain to see i was makin' this girl drool
she said "i'm glad i got to meet a real winner
but i'm starving, why don't we just go out to dinner?"
she's tellin' me i win, asking me to din din
is it just me or am i too masculine?
so i said "yes, in fact i knew you'd ask
it must be hard to resist when in my glory you bask"
she sighed "good lord" and i said "yes, what do you need?"
she asked "just where do you get this self-esteem?"
i said "it might be how i stand out in a crowd"
she agreed, motioned to my face, and laughed out loud
"...or it might be how i give the ladies chills"
she giggled and covered her mouth and said "for real"
"...or how many girls scream when they first see me"
she said "i know i almost did, believe me"
"...or it might be my peak physical physique"
she spit her soda out her nose. man this girl is a freak
she clutched her face with her hands and yelled "it burns!"
i said "that's love baby! court is adjourned!"
so there you go chump, braggin' makes her choke up
no need to thank me when your love life blows up


The mp3 can be downloaded here:
UnwarrantedSelfEsteemIsSexy.mp3

Self-Deprecation is Sexy (not really)

This article I read suggests that self-deprecation is sexy. I tried it out and posted the results.



The original article can be found here:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2463131/Self-deprecation-the-key-to-the-art-of-seduction.html

And these are the lyrics:

i read this article while doing my rounds
about how to be sexy by putting yourself down
it sounded counterproductive i didn't quite buy it
that's why i decided to just go out and try it
first things first i had to make me a date
and i showed up purposely 35 minutes late
i said "i'm sorry i have a habit of doing this"
she just had this look on her face like she was so pissed
i said "i tried to run here but i'm just too fat"
she said "you're tellin me. i can see that"

we went inside the bar and over to a table
i said "my life sucks so much it's shameful"

she said "it's okay let's just order a drink"
i said" alright... oh my god my feet stink"
she said "don't worry i wouldn't have known"
and i said "that's because i caked on cheap cologne"
we each ordered an alcoholic beverage
and i thought it best to try and get some more leverage
as soon as the waiter brought over our beers
i said "no dead end's as abrupt as my career's"
she didn't laugh in fact i think she sighed
and rolled her eyes and started looking at other guys
that's when i asked "will you come to my place?"
she said "get real creep" and dumped her beer in my face

i said "gee thanks. can we at least take a walk?"
she said "keep a distance of five feet and don't talk"

after walking a while in dead silence
she must have mistook the park for a deserted island
she said "i'll come to your place if that's what you wanted"
i said "thanks for the offer but my house is haunted"
i couldn't help but notice as we said our goodbyes
the complete and utter look of disgust in her eyes
i get the feeling i wasn't attractive at all
that's why i'm going to try the opposite tomorrow


The mp3 can be downloaded here:

SelfDeprecationisSexy.mp3

Soy Foods Reduce Sperm Numbers?

A study suggests that eating soy even in moderate amounts may lead to reduced numbers of sperm.



The original article can be found here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7519459.stm

And these are the lyrics:

i thought i was a good boy eating all my SoyJoy bars
it might be good for my heart but not for other parts
for example the vicinity below my waist
kids i could potentially have might be gettin erased
'cause soy chemicals may affect the genitals
lowering your sperm count by a few decimals
the Harvard School of Public Health tested 99 men
the ones who ate more soy had fewer boys in their gems
i used to represent eat a block of tofu a day
but now those tiny flagellates are saying "no way
i don't wanna die just because you're on a fitness high
you like swimming for your health? well so do i!
put that soy milk down, skip the soy cereal
the health you need to think about now is venereal"
okay, i guess i need to be fair
cause without your cooperation my family's going nowhere
instead of a tofu burger i'll eat jars of Gerber
a loads of fruit and veggies like i'm doing already
is there a pressing need for men to change their diet?
will the pool downstairs really get more quiet?
i guess a comforting word for those remaining in doubt
is either way you look at it the number's higher than you can count

The mp3 can be downloaded here:
SoyFoodsReduceSpermNumbers080725.mp3